How to cope with your money shame

How to cope with yur money shameHow to cope with your money shameAccording to research professor,Bren Brown, there is a big difference between shame and guilt. She says that guilt is adaptive and helpful its holding something weve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. Shame, on the other hand, is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging something weve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. To simplify that for you guilt is the feeling that wevedonesomething bad and shame is feeling thatweare bad.To simplify that for you guilt is the feeling that wevedonesomething bad and shame is feeling thatweare bad.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moraWhy is that distinction important? According to Brens research, shame is actually not helpful at all. In fact, it can lead people to destructive and hurtful behavior. Contrarily, guilt can be a motivating emotion. It can encourage people to make more beneficial decisions and change their behavior for the better. Understanding the distinction can change how to speak to our loved ones and influence the language we use when talking about ourselves.And what does this have to do with money? Well, shame comes up a lot when it comes to money. In our society, we put a lot of value on financial standing, and we tend to blame ourselves if we arent keeping up with our peers. When we shame ourselves for our past financial decision or our current financial situation, we can feel incapable of making any changes. If you want to move forward and get yourself into a better place, you have to learn how to cope with your shame in a way that means it will lessen over time.How can you do that?Talk to Your Loved Ones About MoneyThe more we open up about something, the less isolated and ashamed we w ill feel. I guarantee that you know people who have made the same decisions or been in the same positions as you have. But you wont know that if you dont open up about where you are and where youve been. Feeling alone in our experiences means we will feel isolated and more likely to beat ourselves up. Opening up about our money struggles will help us find people who are going through the same things, and it will also help break the money taboo within our social circles.You can start this by just being honest when you cant necessarily afford to do something. Tell your friends that youre trying to pay down your credit card, so youre cutting back on dining out. Suggest more affordable socializing options. You might be surprised at how many people you know who are struggling with the same things.Forgive Yourself for Your Past DecisionsIve said it before and Ill say it again you have to forgive yourself for the financial mistakes youve made in the past. Its normal to be frustrated and wi sh that youd done something different, but it wont actually change what happened. Now, this is easier said than done. Forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness, isnt just a switch you can flip.I recommend coming up with positive affirmations and repeating them to yourself daily. Here are just a few I can think ofI am not defined by my past decisions.I am capable of improving my financial life.I deserve to be free of money shame.What are a few affirmations that you can repeat to yourself to help you move on from the past?Make a List of Everything Youve Done WellIts easier to focus on the things weve done wrong and forget about the things that weve done well. I know that I tend to agonize over my perceived shortcomings more often than I praise my successes. So Im willing to bet that you do the same. Sit down and make a list of all of the things that youve done well in your life. These things can be big or small.It doesnt just have to relate to money, it can be anything. However, an add itional step can be to show how you can apply that action to a financial activity. If youre really good at finishing your tasks at work everyday, maybe you can add a financial task to your to-do list at work.Recognize That Your Mistakes Can Teach You How to Do BetterIf we never mess up, we cant learn how to do things better Of course, we often wish we never had to learn our lesson, especially when it comes to money, but using your mistakes as a guide will help you. If you look back at your past financial behavior, pick out the things that hurt you the most. How can you make sure that you dont repeat those behaviors in your life moving forward? Instead of punishing yourself for those mistakes, let them show you what you dont want to do now.Choose Small Things You Can Start Doing NowProgress doesnt always have to mean making huge changes or reaching big goals. In fact, making progress often means making small, incremental changes that will lead you to a different circumstance. You can t expect yourself to be a completely new person overnight. You have to take small steps towards your bigger goals and be patient with yourself. What is one new thing you can start doing this week that will help to improve your financial situation?Here are some ideasMake a list of all of your monthly expenses, so that you know exactly how much needs to go out every month.Sign up for a budget tracking platform likeMint,YNAB, orClarityMoney.Take a money minute at least once a week, where you sit down to review your spending and compare it to your monthly budget.Work With a ProfessionalWhether its a therapist, a coach, or a financial planner, sometimes you have to hire a professional. If youve tried to do the things I mentioned above, and you still cant relinquish your money shame, you might need to enlist someone to help you. If there are deep, painful issues that you need to work through, a therapist is probably your best bet. If you want to focus on moving forward and identifying and implementing solutions, a coach might be best. If you just want someone who will tell you exactly what to do with your money, a financial planner will probably be the most help.Good luckThis article first appeared on Maggie Germano.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people